Music has taken on a new role in my life journey, as I appreciate the old with a sense of understanding as familiar songs take on new meanings, and I’m introduced to new sounds.  The lens of grief and change make every song breathe differently, whether it is reformed from the guise of a toxic relationship, understanding love at deeper levels, or the death of the dear one.

Erasure (Andy Bell & Vince Clarke) has always had a deep personal connection to me, but today I finally understood a line from a favorite song (one that is relatively unknown), “Piano Song.”

“My body belies me, I’m of fertile mind.”

The 1989 album Wild!, takes me back to being a teenager hanging with my older brother.  The song today wrecked me, as I sang along, “What hurts me most, I’ll never see your eyes again. The harder it gets, I need to close my eyes, I can’t recollect, I’ll never see your eyes again.”

I will never see his eyes again.

The grief shook me and I felt it ripple through my soul. My body has been screaming at me for years, but I never listened carefully enough.  Now my body lies to me, as it moves through the grief as if it is a normal day. My body, dear sweet thing, has been through a hellish pilgrimage, and as it settles into a new life, stress has come off of it and I am addressing her differently.

We have a dance, my body and me – when I don’t take care of her, she has a way of making me stop.  For International Women’s Day last week, I shared a poem that celebrates her.   But today, as I listen, I hear the grief and feel the new stresses.  We will dance a bit differently over the next few weeks and months, but I will remember the strength she gives me.  And in turn, I will give her grace and the space to heal.

Body

The weight of my body feels tremendous this morning
Pushing deep into the mattress under a pile of blankets
The heater just took the chill out, although the fan still spins
I let the weight pull me in and just listen

I feel the weight of my legs and feet
As they have carried me through this journey
Bruises along my thighs, unknown origins
They are not used for running anymore, but they can move

I feel the weight of my pelvis
As the pain within it fights to be heard
I remind it of the joy it should bring
The child it bore me, the freedom it should offer

I feel the weight of my torso and chest
Abdomen sore from the gut-altering lifestyle and anguish
But my breasts have been behaving lately, no complaints about them
My heart feels both elation and devastation

I feel the weight of my arms and hands
These parts have picked up every piece of pain
They have hugged everyone who has needed it
My fingers typing out the poetry from my soul

I feel the weight of my head
Skin is dry and cracked, eyes annoyed by the light
Hair is a disaster but happy with its state of being
Brain overwhelmed with every decision and process

I feel the weight of my body, grateful for her
She has been broken, been healed, with scars on every limb
She aches in pain and joy
The mental and physical healing is not done, but grateful

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Read about the Launching of Crista Dawn and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.