Humbled by Embers: Loss of Brightsiding

Embracing humanity is a truly exhausting feat.  I am fully in the throes of grief, confusion, loss, anger, fatigue, and feeling it all for me and so deeply for others. I’m trying to keep it all together, with the dichotomy of it all –

Trying to stay informed but not letting the news drown me

Leading a team, handling crisis after crisis

Grace for others, wondering what grace for me looks like

Sleep is forgotten this week and I have forgotten to eat again

I feel guilt for doing the one thing and not the other…

One of my favorite psychologists, Dr. Ramani reminded us to not “brightside” ourselves or others through this time.

I felt this deeply.

I’m generally a positive person, and the positive person problem is always trying to turn a situation around to see the good. Cue the triggering childhood religious statements of: “God allowed this to happen for a reason” and “It is God’s will.”  This week we heard a lot of “At least no one was hurt” and other such nonsensical statements.

I’m always trying to fix things and trying to turn crisis into opportunity.  This journey of loss will have moments where silver linings come in, but f*ck, not this week.

This week, we get to grieve. 

My friend, who lost everything in the fires, shared about a particular picture that was burned – he detailed the moments before the picture was taken, the emotions, the joy of the event.  What was lost was not just that picture, he explained, but rather, the fact that no one will ever share that memory with him. No one will know the story, no one will ever see the picture and ask about it, his children will not carry it forward – as there is nothing to carry forward.  As if his memory, his own existence was erased.

Part of loss, whatever kind of loss, is about the loss of the past, and the current loss, but so much of it is about the anticipated loss that it brings.  Through this loss journey, I suspect we will come back to the loss of “would-have-beens” many times.

But on this day, one of diametrically opposed worldviews (from MLK to inauguration), one of profound grief in my own life, and a collective grief of the amazing city I live in, I want to continue to let people know that it is okay to grief.  And we don’t have to make ourselves feel better by “brightsiding” and tricking ourselves into seeing that silver lining.  If we want to help others, do not say “At least….”.  For “at least” statements, negate someone’s pain, and part of the process is accepting the loss.

I feel the losses greatly today.  I am humbled by embers, literally and metaphorically.

Let’s try to accept the loss of “brightsiding,” as it may actually help find the way to the brighter side.

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Read: Navigating Loss: A Journey Together in 2025

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