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Creating a Blank SpaceImage of fields with a blank billboard

Creating a Blank Space

As I sit in at a conference drinking in yet another keynote, this talk is getting under my skin. The words are resonating and crawling through me as I empathize, hurt, and smile at the journey of the speaker. She shares of her own struggle and breakdown and the reset that was needed in her life. It required the need to let things go and to be intentional about subtracting, not adding things. Backed by sciences and illustrated by stories, she challenged us to remove stuff, obligations, ideas, and processes, that keep us from being fulfilled.

My last two years have been a journey in creating blank spaces in my life, subtractions of things that no longer bring joy or provide a move forward. While the speaker jokingly mentions “Don’t subtract people” – I realize this is exactly what happened and needed to happen in my life. While several were removed from my circle by a tragic death and others by circumstances, I also have made conscience decisions about removing toxic people around me.

Subtracting toxicity is very difficult because it requires a drastic change, sometimes complete disruption. And toxic people are not really okay with you releasing them; leaving a narcissistic spouse, rejecting friends who only bring drama, or not connecting with a self-destructive family member, these are moves that require a strength that sometimes we don’t have. But we may not have it, because of that and other toxic relationships!

I will continue to subtract things that distract so that when I put joyful additions back in, there will be a blank space to put them in.

———————

Blank Space

Creating a blank space
without filling it up

Not needing every moment
to be scheduled
Redefining moments
to be spontaneous

Not needing every corner
to have furniture and tchotchkes
Redefining corners
to be cluster free

Not needing every relationship
to be a “best”
Redefining relationships
to fill particular niches

Not needing every conversation
to be a resolution
Redefining conversations
to be connections

Not needing every day
to be productive
Redefining productive
to be making space

Creating a blank space
without filling it up

 

Read about the Launching of Crista Dawn and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

Grace and Resilience

Grace and Resilience

Resilience entered my life a long time ago and has been at my side since I was a child.  Resilience never lets me down when things got tough, daily reminding me of my strength.  And Resilience definitely has held my hand throughout the last few years, propping me up, making it possible to get through each day and even excel.

But lately, Grace has been my best friend.  She has a different approach to life than Resilience, and sometimes they even fight.  Grace folds her arms, goes silent, and waits. Grace always wins.

Grace comes in when the self-imposed deadline passes, and the Sunday Musing is really a Tuesday one. Grace looks at the goals – the stickie notes that litter the desk, monitor, and keyboard; she smiles at the handwritten lists, the to-do application, and endless phone notes.  She provides prioritization in goal setting. Rarely is her advice on a list.

Grace enters the room when the laundry is piled on every cushion of the sectional couch so that there is no place to sit.  Grace quietly wraps her arms around the dishes, the crap on the counters, and the disorganization. She doesn’t shake her head, or have a knowing glance. She doesn’t need to forgive, because there is nothing to forgive.

Grace understands when the news has to be ignored. When emails or texts go unanswered, she asks no questions. Grace has felt the weight of the world, she knows when the covers of the bed feel like the only protection.

Grace doesn’t need excuses or reasons, she finds all she needs to know in the tears.  Grace doesn’t mind if there are wine or pain relievers, but she encourages sleep.  Grace lays still when the eyes are heavy. Grace provides healing so Resilience can return.

May you befriend Grace.

May you introduce your friends to Grace.

—————

Read about the Launching of Crista Dawn and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

My Body Belies Me…Shadow

My Body Belies Me…

Music has taken on a new role in my life journey, as I appreciate the old with a sense of understanding as familiar songs take on new meanings, and I’m introduced to new sounds.  The lens of grief and change make every song breathe differently, whether it is reformed from the guise of a toxic relationship, understanding love at deeper levels, or the death of the dear one.

Erasure (Andy Bell & Vince Clarke) has always had a deep personal connection to me, but today I finally understood a line from a favorite song (one that is relatively unknown), “Piano Song.”

“My body belies me, I’m of fertile mind.”

The 1989 album Wild!, takes me back to being a teenager hanging with my older brother.  The song today wrecked me, as I sang along, “What hurts me most, I’ll never see your eyes again. The harder it gets, I need to close my eyes, I can’t recollect, I’ll never see your eyes again.”

I will never see his eyes again.

The grief shook me and I felt it ripple through my soul. My body has been screaming at me for years, but I never listened carefully enough.  Now my body lies to me, as it moves through the grief as if it is a normal day. My body, dear sweet thing, has been through a hellish pilgrimage, and as it settles into a new life, stress has come off of it and I am addressing her differently.

We have a dance, my body and me – when I don’t take care of her, she has a way of making me stop.  For International Women’s Day last week, I shared a poem that celebrates her.   But today, as I listen, I hear the grief and feel the new stresses.  We will dance a bit differently over the next few weeks and months, but I will remember the strength she gives me.  And in turn, I will give her grace and the space to heal.

Body

The weight of my body feels tremendous this morning
Pushing deep into the mattress under a pile of blankets
The heater just took the chill out, although the fan still spins
I let the weight pull me in and just listen

I feel the weight of my legs and feet
As they have carried me through this journey
Bruises along my thighs, unknown origins
They are not used for running anymore, but they can move

I feel the weight of my pelvis
As the pain within it fights to be heard
I remind it of the joy it should bring
The child it bore me, the freedom it should offer

I feel the weight of my torso and chest
Abdomen sore from the gut-altering lifestyle and anguish
But my breasts have been behaving lately, no complaints about them
My heart feels both elation and devastation

I feel the weight of my arms and hands
These parts have picked up every piece of pain
They have hugged everyone who has needed it
My fingers typing out the poetry from my soul

I feel the weight of my head
Skin is dry and cracked, eyes annoyed by the light
Hair is a disaster but happy with its state of being
Brain overwhelmed with every decision and process

I feel the weight of my body, grateful for her
She has been broken, been healed, with scars on every limb
She aches in pain and joy
The mental and physical healing is not done, but grateful

—————–

Read about the Launching of Crista Dawn and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.